Costco Lessons

My husband and I decided that what was missing in our lives was a Costco membership. And so we went, babes in the woods, with our two babes in tow.

Here is what we learned:

1. Costco on a weekend afternoon is the suburban equivalent of a mosh pit.
2. It costs a minimum of $50 to become a member. Membership buys you the privilege of spending more money.
3. Think carefully before you buy a pallet of toilet paper. True, toilet paper is something you’ll always use, but you may prefer to keep your assets more liquid. (If you don’t mind tying up your money for a year or two, note that CDs give better returns.)
4. Some people feel they need 6lb. cans of corn niblets. I don’t understand it either.
5. Cement floors do not make for a comfortable shopping experience. You will discover this when you are as far from the doors as possible, which is also approximately when your child will need to pee. My own child decided to deal with this by placing a hand inside his underwear and clutching himself.
6. Unless you work as greengrocer, avoid the produce department. I don’t see how it is possible to consume a flat of mangoes before they rot without developing dysentery, but evidently there are legions of Americans out there with bowels made of sterner stuff than mine.
7. Not only are Costco’s containers of grapes huge, the grapes themselves are huge. You know how there are grape tomatoes? Well these are tomato grapes.
8. Guacamole is sold in boxes of three tubs. The label suggests eating one now and freezing two for later. Who freezes guacamole?
9. Melons come in pairs. Seriously.

–Claire Isaacs